Uh....lyrics

I was gonna do a whole thing on country music and lyrics that went against country fan's ideals.....but I decided to expand it to other fields. This should be somewhat entertaining



Field: Hip Hop

Artist: Game

Song: Wavey (Jay-Z diss)

Ideal he violates: While hip hop hasn't taken an anti beastiality stance, I assume they are anti beastiality until stated otherwise

Lyric: "You and Dame was mens and nem. Yall was tighter than giraffe pussy"


research



Field: Country

Artist: Trace Adkins

Song: Swing

Violated ideal: Country people don't like the gays

Lyric: "Jimmys out. Next in line"


Look, I don't give a shit if I took it out of context. Fuck Trace Adkins. He's talking about a bunch of guys in a bar and baseball then says his Jimmy is out and ask who was next in line. Did I misinterpret it? I'll answer that question with another question. Are you curious enough to listen to a shitty Trace Adkins song to find out? Didnt think so. Keep it moving. He said "Jimmys out" and didn't say "pause". That's gay. Also, you can't wear cock bulge blue jeans and expect me not to challenge your manhood.


*see also: Kenny Chesney and Rascal Flatt's entire career


Field: Simple, funloving, soundtracky, noncontroversial safe music

Artist: Randy Newman

Song: "Rednecks" and "Sail Away"

Violated Ideal: Offending everyone in two songs

Lyrics: Rednecks: "Some smart ass New York jew.....We talk real funny down here. We drink too much and laugh too loud. Too dumb to make it in a northern town. Keepin the [n word]s down. We got no neck oilmen from Texas and good ole boys from Tennessee...college men from LSU, went in dumb and come out dumb too. Hustlin round the allegheny in alligator shoes. Gettin drunk every weekend at the bar-b-que. Keepin the [n word]s down. We're rednecks(x2) we don't know our ass from a hole in the ground. We're redneck(x2) keepin the [n word]s down. Your norther [n word] is a negro. See he's got his dignity. Down here we're too ignorant to realize we ought to set the [n word] free. Free to be put in a cage in Harlem in New York City. Free to be put in a cage on the south side of Chicago.....free to be put in a cage(several other urban areas mentioned)

Sailaway: "In America you'll get food to eat. Won't have to run through the jungle
And scuff up your feet. You'll just sing about Jesus and drink wine all day
It's great to be an American.

Ain't no lions or tigers-ain't no mamba snake. Just the sweet watermelon and the buckwheat cake. Ev'rybody is as happy as a man can be.....you'll be as happy as a monkey in a monkey tree. You're all gonna be americans"


Oof. Holy shit. Look, for better or worse, when I say the name "Randy Newman" people either think of "You've got a friend in me" from Toy Story, "I love L.A" from everything about Los Angeles ever, or silly ass skits on family guy and mad tv. At a certain point Randy Newman became known as the guy who sings silly fun little soundtrack songs. It's lucrative i'm sure. At an earlier point in his life though, he was a satirical artist from L.A. who had lived in New Orleans for a couple of years. He wrote a bunch of songs that were controversial to say the least. I can definitely see what he's trying to do. In rednecks, in the first verse he lambaste the south for having a bunch of ignorant racist and then turns around in the second verse and ethers the rest of the country for looking down on the south acting all high and mighty when they are just as guilty of racism in different forms. It's clever. Will everyone get it and appreciate it for what you were trying to do? No. You're not going to convince many people to like your song by basically saying "hey....southerners....you're all a bunch of dumb fucking racist hicks. hey...rest of the country.....stop making fun of the southerners for being a bunch of dumb fucking racist hicks because you are all stupid and racist too. Hey black people....can't leave you out so i'm gonna drop the N bomb about 13 times in a song where i'm taking up for you". Good times. Then again, "All in the Family" was doing the same kind of thing around the same time and got the point across I guess. It definitely looks bad in retrospect but it was a different time and maybe these art forms decided America needed it shoved in it's face. "Sail Away" is a slave traders pitch to a future slave and has several stereotypes. I'll just say this: Far cry from his disney shit....and that's what this list is about.


Randy and Mr Potato Head had some awkward moments on set of Toy Story



What'd you say MOTHAFUCKA!!!




Field: Uh...hippie music

Artist: Greatful Dead(of course)

Song: Touch of Grey

Violated Ideals: bit too much capitalism and animal abuse not to mention seemingly being ok with eroding environment and failing education system

Lyrics: "I know the rent is in arrears The dog has not been fed in years
It's even worse than it appears But it's alright

Cows are giving kerosene The kid can't read at seventeen
The words he knows are all obscene But it's alright"

Really? The dog is starving to death but....fuck it. Let's smoke a bowl. I don't want my 'dead talking about rent being in arrears. Not cool. Now, pass the cherry garcia.



Field: Country

Artist: Tim McGraw

Song: "Red Ragtop"

Violated Ideal: Anti Abortion

Lyrics: "....we were young and wild. We decided not to have a child. So we did what we did and we tried to forget and we swore up and down there would be no regrets...."


Tim McGraw makes a song about this time when he was young....he took a break from peering one eyed behind a black hat and fucked someone who wasn't faith hill and knocked her up.

Actually...I practiced while fucking. Why do you think i'm so good

You see, he explicitly states in the song though that times were tough and she was in school (presumably college since it is stated that she is 20) and he was out of a job at 18. He couldn't possibly get a job because how would he have time to practice peering from behind a hat for album covers or fucking poor man's faith hill if he did that? He couldn't afford condoms or birth control pills. Hell, he couldn't even afford to pull out because he didn't have the money to buy napkins to wipe it off her stomach. That's pretty poor. He didn't have any cash because he'd blown it all on black hats and tight ass pants


And apparently Jerry Seinfeld's pirate shirt


So able bodied bum Tim McGraw and gal pal decide they are gonna do some baby killin. He says they "did what they did" and leaves it to the imagination. Now, where that takes you is up to you. I'm going to assume they went to an abortion doctor....but since he's broke as shit, they may have gone the stairs or wire hanger route. Who knows?

man.....fuck babies

SPEED ROUND(Artist-Song-Ideal-Lyrics)


Lil Wayne-"Barry Bonds"-anti gay-"you can get barry to suck my bat bitch"

Dr Dre-"Express Yourself"-weed-"Yo, I don't smoke weed or cess cause its known to give a brother brain damage and brain damage on the mic don't manage"(The Chronic came out just a few years later)


Cat Stevens-"Peace Train"-peace loving hippie shit-Actually...this isn't a good fit because it is about peace and he was all about that but later supported the fatwa against Solomon Rushdie


One more bonus before I get to the grand finale. "Harder to Breathe" by Maroon 5 pisses me off because in all their other songs they're talking about not going home without someone or tapping on someone's window or sunday morning and shit. On this one song though, he says

"I have a tendency of getting very physical. So watch your step cause if I do you'll need a miracle"


Fuck off dude. No one is scared of you. You sing like you have 9 super fluffy marshmallows in your vagina and you look like you're about a biscuit away from 97 pounds. I hate when scrawny motherfuckers talk tough. *sigh*

what Nic's nightmares are made of

Just do your thing and sing the puffy shit. I even like some of it.



Ok, last one(and a classic)


Field: Country

Artist: Alan Jackson

Song: Several

Ideals Violated: The idea that country artist are just good ole boys from the country who are republican and capitalist in favor of a small central government

Lyrics:(here is what I put on sites throughout time as i've long suspected this liberal pinko radical leftist)


"That'd be alright(x2)
If everybody everywhere
Had a lighter load to bear
And a little bigger piece of the pie
We'd be livin' us a pretty good life
And that'd be alright"


-Any doubts that his favorite color is red or his favorite Lenin(Lennon) wasnt the one that said "i am the walrus" ?

-where he comes from, its less cornbread and chicken as it is borscht and goulash

-way down yonder on the chattahoochee, it gets hotter than a factory of people making ak-47's to fight off the capitalist

-at www.memory, he'll be waiting for the beautiful reemergence of the USSR patiently

-where were you when Gorbachev gave in and let the fascist, capitalist pigs tear down that wall, on that Novermber day


You know, I guess I never really paid attention to the lyrics of this song til the other day. I was on my daily long commute and Alan Jackson came on and I said "oh, here's this communist. Let's see what leftist rhetoric he spews in this song" and i caught this little ditty from the song 'gone country'


Well the folk scene is dead But he's holdin' out in the village
He's been writin' songs speakin' out Against wealth and privilege
He says 'I dont believe in money But a man could make him a killin'
'Cause some of that stuff don't sound Much different than Dylan
I hear down there it's changed you see They're not as backward as they used to be




then he goes on about how this fellow has 'gone country'. well sure he has alan. and that country is Cuba













*For those that can't read the text in the bubbles they say(very roughly translated):

"I enjoy Comrade Jackson's Music"

"5 o'clock somewhere is my shit"

and

"Hey Che, Go get my lowrider bitch!" *

The drive to Mulholland Drive

I remember it like it was yesterday (smoke fills the room). It was around April of2005 and I was bored as shit. I had graduated school a year earlier and said "fuck that getting a job thing". I didn't have a girlfriend and all my friends were either still in highschool, off to college or working. I spent my days playing video games and wallowing in self loathing....occasionally chasing skirts who were wrong for me for all the wrong reasons. My hair was WAY too fucking long, I had no purpose, I was driving around a truck that didn't belong to me and sleeping on a mattress in the floor.


Nic around this time


I had NO clue what I wanted to do in life. In a lot of ways, I still don't...but it was MUCH worse then. Also, because i'd started school early, I was a fairly new driver by the time I graduated and I didn't know where SHIT in Columbus was(constant source of humor for my friends is that I have no sense of direction. Even true to this day as i've worked in Starkville for 4 years and can't find a damned thing in this town). So one fateful day while holed up in my room, I was watching some shitty VH1 programming.....one of those "top 50 hottest women" things. On the screen comes Naomi Watts and they referenced her "steamy lesbian scene in 'Mulholland Drive'"




...................................


So i'm on my way to the video store to pick up 'Mulholland Drive'. Ok, pause. You may be asking yourself: "Wait, this is 2005. Internet porn was readily available and he could've just picked up regular ass porn if he was going to a video store. Besides, why didn't he just google that one scene and watch it?" Good question loyal reader. The answer that is this


1.-I had dial up internet connection. I'd rather beat off with a brillo pad than wait 5 hours for Naomi Watts to bump pussies with whatever the other bitch's name is(Laura Elena Harring....and they didn't bump pussies....I don't think) while hoping to God my mom doesn't pick up the phone to try and call Brenda(my aunt and next door neighbor) to find out if they're playing Rook tonight INSTEAD OF JUST WALKING THE FUCK OVER THERE!!!!!


more important to my mom than my masturbatory habits

2.-Remember when I said I was scared of the "steak man" at buffet places? You really think I was absent of that fear about porn? It was WAY worse. I couldn't walk in porn places, couldn't rent porn, couldn't borrow porn....nothing. You're basically announcing to the people "yeah....nice to meet you....i'm gonna go jack it for a while". Nevermind the genuine disgust I would have in renting porn. How many jizz covered hands have touched that tape? Fantasyland is just as bad because, as a male, you have a couple of choices: You could A) Go in by yourself and then you're the creepy dude in fantasyland by yourself. These guys are always wearing a hat and a northface jacket and in the upstairs porn part. B) Go in with a girlfriend/wife. I didn't have one at the time and it's ALWAYS a bad idea anyway. You end up looking at something a bit too long and then looking over to see a very pissed off female looking back at you. On the bright side, you now have enough fodder to get you through the night. C) Go in with your friends. This is always interesting. Someone always ends up getting slapped with a dildo or benoit balls and you get borderline kicked the fuck out before you can buy porn. Plus, all your friends know what porn you have and may want to borrow it. That's a big no.


3.-I was somewhat interested in the movie. I love movies....especially psychological thrillers I can be snobby about. I loved "Vanilla Sky" but more than just loving the movie, I loved that I "got it" while other people left saying "what the fuck was that". I mean, just read the synopsis:

"After a car wreck on the winding Mulholland Drive renders a woman amnesic, she and a perky Hollywood-hopeful search for clues and answers across Los Angeles in a twisting venture beyond dreams and reality."

Sounds promising....which is bullshit. That's why I should be hired to write HONEST synopsis for the back of all movies. Like, the MPAA hires me to write a true outline of the movie and the movie HAS to put it on the box like a rating....to warn people against watching shitty movies. It would help save the industry. More on this later**



So, I get in my dad's red dodge ram and get on the bypass. The wrong bypass. I don't know where the fuck I am but I know i'm not going in the right direction. I now know that I was heading for Tuscaloosa. I passed the New Hope area exit before I build up the courage to turn around in the middle grassy area. I picked a poor spot to do it and nearly got stuck(which is a prelude to another story i'll tell one day....about getting stuck in a ditch on 4th of July....a mere 3 months later). I turned around and realized I was going the right way now. Went to Hollywood video and did 4 laps around the store....acting like I was browsing when I knew what I was there for. I get Mulholland Drive and Punch Drunk Love. The guy feverishly tried to talk me out of Punch Drunk Love and I said "meh....it's Sandler. It can't be awful"(which was just one of the many times I was wrong that day.)



So I go home and pop in the movie. It takes me about 15 minutes to realize this is going to be one of those fucked up, unable to track, Hollywood sucking it's own dick movies. Every couple of years, Hollywood makes a movie where it sucks its own dick.


The dick is the "Y".....or the "WOOD". You decide which is more funny

It goes like this: Some fucked up writer/director will make a movie "for him...from his heart". He'll get Dustin Hoffman on board and then Kathy Bates, Thomas Hayden Church and Charlize Theron. He'll write some nonsensical shit like Dustin Hoffman plays a hack writer/director making a shit movie that no one cares about. It doesn't have and interesting plot. It ends up playing out like a regular ass person's regular ass day....only if you took any semblance of cool shit out. They call it artsy and it ends up getting praised by critics for its cinematography or unique characters....but it actually only gets praised because Hollywood makes people feel like they HAVE to understand this movie or they just "dont get it" and are too stupid to follow. So a bunch of people just pretend like they like the shit(shining examples: I Heart Huckabees. About Schmidt. Punch Drunk Love).



Anyway, the whole movie is fucked up. It doesn't track. Bunch of random things happening in no particular order. Wigs. I've got my dick in my hand(pause) in anticipation because i've given up on the movie making sense. I think it's a bad formula anyway. I can count at least 5 movies that I thought were awful because I watched the movie for the wrong reasons(tits). Tomb Raider(no tits), Mulholland Drive(lez scene not worth the trouble....but not bad), Wicker Park(I don't even know what happened in this movie. I fast forwarded a lot....for nothing), Basic Instinct 2(I was desperate) and Wild Things(son of bitch....side tangent coming)

sigh. Fucking Wild Things. I was in Wal-Mart with Nicky "motherfuckin" Shelton and Tyler Marsh around 2005. Same circumstances(no gf, no porn, etc). I see Wild Things on the shelf and had heard that there was a 4 way with Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, Matt Dillon and Matt Dillon's big ass forehead. Color me interested. Plot line didn't sound horrible and it was only 7 bucks. As soon as I picked it up though, Tyler starts teasing me about having carpal tunnel in a week. I know that this is all the movie is known for, so buying it would be like buying all the awkwardness of buying porn at Wal-Mart but none of the facials

(Spoiler alert....no bukkake in Wild Things)


So I got Nicky to buy it, except he was only 16 and Wal-Mart is full of Nazis and carded him....so I ended up buying it anyway....but I got to play it off like "Fine Nicky....i'll buy your borderline smut for you. You goddamned pervert"



The Quaker Oats man is watching you while you touch yourself


So I watched it and the scene happened(definitely nothing to complain about in the scene except it could have gone longer....like....the entire movie) and I was somewhat into it. At some point that movie just went insane though. It becomes impossible to track and I see Kevin Bacon's slab(his dick....not his car, though i've seen cars smaller than his dong. Pause.) Horrible movie. Anyways, the lesson is don't watch a whole movie for wanking purposes. You'll only be disappointed.


**That's going to be one of my new things. I'm going to do movie reviews but tell the truth. Like, if I was hired to write the back of "Mulholland Drive" 's box, it would say:

"Fucking pretentious. David Lynch is an asshole. Decent enough lez scene but you better be quick or this movie will fuck up your boner with creepy shit that Lynch came up with while on brown acid. The fact that this movie was made makes the idea of free will seem like a terrible idea."



So yeah....I guess I give it a thumbs down

Couple of things and then some writing

My blog is growing and i'm excited about that. It motivates me. It taps in to my bitter younger child who was probably ignored too much by my parents. I'll be writing almost every wednesday....usually once a week so I don't burn myself out like I have in the past. I'm gonna try really hard to bring the funny without violating decency laws or self incriminating or anything.


Couple of issues I wanna tackle. One of the main reason my blog has probably doubled in readers is because of facebook. I guess this makes my post entirely dedicated to bitching about facebook dated. Whatever. I don't care. I'll use facebook to whore out my endeavors and myspace to record shitty versions of songs because I have a cheap microphone. With this expansion has come questions or concerns about how to leave comments on here(which I prefer but will take them wherever you stick them....pause). I recognize that it's kind of a pain in the ass, but all you really have to do though is go to the "Name/URL" in the drop down box and enter your name and then just put your blog, facebook or myspace home page address as the URL. Hell, you can put a porn site as your URL for all I care(please....no child or beastiality porn. That means you Tim Chandler).



that guy from the sandlot loves the horse porn

All it does is make your name a hyperlink to whatever site you put.


Cool. 2nd: I'm a mad man. I have a lot of different sides. Some people who have found this site have been a bit surprised at what or how I write. I'm kinda breaking the 5th wall here. Since i'm not a celebrity and the only people who would or should care enough to come here are friends of mine who think I have something to offer...that means you all know, at least a little, how I am. You know i'm a good guy. I'm not crude for the sake of being crude. While writing this though, i'm a character and i'm completely honest about even the most depraved thoughts that we all have. I tap into the fact that I think we're all pretty much the same person with slight variations. So yeah...when I make a dick joke, it's only because you were thinking it first.


3rd: So, i've got a few stories in the chamber. They are "evergreen" meaning I can break them out at any time and they'll still be funny and they won't be dated because they are in the past anyway. However, I don't want to just blow through all my stories. I want to do rants, lists, etc. Here's what i'd like from you guys: If there is something you'd like me to rant about or have a question for me(i'll answer it no matter how embarrassing) or anything like that....just post it and I WILL make a post out of it. We can even swaggerjack the idea from Adam Carolla where he does "What can't Adam complain about" i'll do "What can't Nic rant about".




Ok. You've put up with my semi-serious moving forward bullshit for long enough. Now onward and....probably laterally. Since I had to spend a bit of time writing this and thinking it up, i'm just gonna go random for a little bit and then post something from my old blog for the memories. Thanks for everything guys. I love you all!!! Some more than others. Some of you make my pants tight. I feel i've gone too far.


Anyway. Random. Let me put my thoughts inside you.


Quote of the day 1: "Yeah....Bruce is ok if you like listening about how it's tough to be a middle class white guy dealing with Reagan era voodoo economics, but what'd that get him? His fans are a bunch of fat 40 year old white guys. All his fans are basically Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. See, John was smart. He learned. He said "fuck that, i'm gonna sing about getting pussy" and now he spends every night banging each state's age of consent. He's in Idaho thursday and you can damn well be sure he'll be shacking up with a 14 year old at a Boise Double Tree....uh....or something"


-Me arguing John Mayer vs Bruce Springsteen with Joe. Few creative liberties taken with the retelling




Question of the day: "Did you ever try any of your wife's breast milk while she was pregnant?"

-Nathan's friend Katie

A: Yes....but not on purpose. For those that are curious(and really, how could you not be) it doesn't really taste like anything. It's like room temperature water...or maybe room temp coconut juice REALLY diluted with water. In a related funny story, a comedian named Dino Stamotopoulos was going to be a writer on whatever shitty show du jour Courtney Cox was crapping out after "Friends" and David Arquette(her husband) apparently took a liking to his edgy style(he's pretty fucked up all the time) and invited him back for drinks. David asked Dino what kind of beer he wanted and joked "or you can have a bottle of my wife's breast milk" and Dino took it and chugged it. He later remarked "I didn't know something so sweet could come out of someone so bitter" and didn't get the writing job.


Confidence booster of the day: I watched "The Hangover". That movie is a piece of shit. My confidence is boosted because I now know I could write a movie better than everyone's favorite comedy of last year.



The Nic-tionary: I'm gonna explain a few words I use from time to time for future reference.


"Pause": A nicer way of saying "no homo" and the less used "no bruno". It's a northeastern hip hop thing.

"Horse potato": Just an exclamatory word. Jacob said it in the middle of church one day and they asked him what he was talking about and he said "I just said it so I wouldn't say 'fuckshit'". It's kinda stuck.

"Slab": Nonstop comedy. When I was in highschool, half the football team called their...uh....members "slab" as in slab of meat. Like a year later, people in Houston, TX started calling their cars "slab". The confusion in songs has been awesome. Super masculine guys talking about riding on a slab and putting rims on their slab etc.

"Swaggerjack": Steal. In particular, to steal someone's swag or swagger....but really to steal anyones creative idea.


And now to go old school. This was one of my favorite if not my favorite post from the old blog "Inside Trout". It's about my old fear of the steak man at Ryan's and Barnhill's and was set up like an advice column when I asked ex DC Joe Kines for advice.


Dear Joe,

I'm a 20 something in Northeast Mississippi and I have a problem that I need help with. You see, almost everyone in my family is fairly large....myself included. In fact....my older brother and I almost died on a water ride called the "Backsplash" in Philadelphia, MS because we ignored the "400 lb weight limit" knowing good and damned well that we exceeded that total by a combined weight of 200 pounds. Luckily, the stoner 16 year old working the ride saved us from ourselves and made us go separately. But that has little to do with my problem. In fact....most of America is catching up with us or passing us....so we're all good on that front. No, no....my problem has to do with the fact that my family loves to go to all you can eat buffets.....and I.....well........I'm scared of the steak man/woman.




Don't judge me damnit!

I know it's weird....but people have weird phobias. Some people are scared of clowns. Some people are scared of pickles. Some people are scared of clowns with pickles. Some people are scared of Crispin Glover doing a song about clowns and pickles.




I'm scared of the steak man.....or rather....the interaction with the steak man. Call it bovis-homosapious phobia. It's like....I know I want steak or smoked sausage or whatever he is pushing today. He knows I want it the way I'm eyeing it. I just can't bring myself to ask him because I feel like it goes like this:

(individual thoughts in parentheses)


Me: Um....let me get a cut of steak and maybe some smoked sausage as well.

( God, this guys hat is intimidating and he also has a knife. He probably thinks I'm fat )


Steak guy: {.....Cuts meat and looks mean. Says something that no one could possibly understand}

Me: {.....Thinks about making small talk before realizing that I hate small talk and wouldn't dare talk about the weather or something so trivial.}


Steak guy: {.....cuts the smallest possible slab of meat and puts it on the plate}
That enough?

( Hell naw that ain't enough,this big ass dude is gonna want more... haha. Look at him,he wants more of it... haha.... Fat som' bitch )


Me: Um......yeah.......thanks.

(damn,this is a small ass piece of meat. maybe I'll grab half a roll and make a sandwich. )



It irritates the hell out of me Coach Kines. Why would they make this the one section that I can't self serve(along with drinks....which I don't seem to have a problem asking for) Help Coach!


Thanks,
Chubby....but well hung(photoshop available on demand for proof) in Columbus






CHUBBY,

FIRST OF ALL, WHY DO ALL THESE DAMNED QUESTIONS COME OUT OF NORTHEAST MISSISSIPPI? CRAZY ASS PEOPLE. MAKE DELIVERANCE, GEORGIA SEEM NORMAL. NOW, FOR YOUR QUESTION. AIN'T NOTHIN WRONG WITH BEING BIG. REMEMBER THAT GAME....OKIE STATE....COULDN'T STOP THAT OL INSIDE TROUT. WHAT DID I DO? I THREW IT TO ANDRE SMITH'S HUGE ASS AND LET HIM EARTHQUAKE IT IN FOR 6 POINTS. SHIT BOY, FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS MAKE THE ROCKIN WORLD GO ROUND. SAY,YOU TAKE SOMEONE HOME FROM A BAR AND CAN'T FIND YOUR ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MORNING....BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE THE CLAP. THATS CALLED COMPROMISE AND TRADE OFF. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS DID IT...SO DID DANIEL BOONE. NO TIME TO STOP. YOU CAN BUY A NEW TOOTHBRUSH BUT YOU CAN'T BUY A NEW REPUTATION AND DOWNSTAIRS HAIRY BEANBAG. NOW GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME STEAK....MAYBE A FIFTH OF SCOTCH. GO HARD OR GO HOME SON.

SINCERELY,
COACH KINES


(Quick update and edit: I'm not really scared of the steak man anymore. Not sure when it happened, but I don't have that irrational fear. Laura did have a funny interaction with the steak lady at Ryan's the other day though. She asked to have it cooked "with no pink" and the lady cuts it open and Laura says "is there any pink?" and the lady says very hastily and pissy "you're looking at it maam". Thats the kind of shit i'm talking about....but it made me laugh.)

An open letter to youtube

Dear Youtube



I know you've heard the horror stories. No, i'm not going to bitch you out like I did that radio guy or facebook(I caved on facebook and have one now). I just wanna talk.....before our relationship gets to that. You see, we work well together. You help me melt away precious seconds of my life that I could be doing something worthwhile(unlikely) or playing "Punchout" on nintendo(very likely)



Excuse me while I fuck up this Turkish boxer in 8 bits


I, in turn, send you hits to the genuinely insane videos I can find like Clowny Clown Clown and the wonderfully confusing and hilarious That's Weird and even chime in a video of my own(me commenting and then my brother Nathan singing about....uh....monkey sex. Just watch it)




So the positives are certainly there. The negatives. Ah the negatives. Let's look at them one by one.


1. Comments Every fucking youtube video somehow turns commenters racist. I swear, the video could be "how to make peanut butter cookies" and it's just a lady that looks like she could be my grandmother making cookies....and I scroll down and read "SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!!! ASIANS DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO SHIT BUT BE IN PORNS AND BUILD RAILROADS! PWNED! LULZ!!!!".


Even when they aren't racist, they are fucked in the head. I just read a 38 post youtube comment article on a damned Chris Daughtry video where someone threatened to "face fuck your soul BITCH" and even that thread of comments wasn't absent of a sort of racism as someone just posted "Chris 4Life [n word....with a at the end]" and that's it.


certified gangster

Just for example, i'm going to liveblog this right now....as i'm typing. There was a story out of England where a Ray Gosling, a broadcaster for the BBC, just admitted on camera(for no reason other than to come clean to the surprise of the BBC) that he performed a mercy killing(via pillow suffocation) on his lover several years ago because he was dying of aids. It's definitely a touchy story and very sensitive. I haven't seen it on youtube yet....just on other sites. So i'm going to look it up on youtube and take the 5 most fucked up comments I can find and post them. And the winners(if you could fucking call them that) are....in no particular order:

5. racistgayclown(bonus points for name) says: "We all no he was a homo and he was living with a man dying of cancer and at the same time shagging rent boys up the ass... no big deal for someone like that anyway, thats the kind of thing you do when your partner is dying of cancer, you have sex with someone with aids... and you think im stupid...... Holy fuckin jesus uphill gardener crap....Get back under your fuckin rock you crackpot"

4. Tabula123456 says: " don't believe you...i think ur a lying bastard...first off ur a 53yo man sitting in YT posts calling homos names...ur mot likely alone and sucking cock on the side...and if it is true then i believe ur wife is severely sexually repressed because you spend all ur time fucking ur children...I hope ur grandchild is ok..i don't imagine, for one second, he or she is safe with a person like you... "


3. ronin2469 says "I'm just asking questions, plug your ears and cover your eyes, the gay community should be outraged at gay Ray for his hate crime against a gay, is it that he's gay so it's ok, or if he was staight that makes it murder? This is like when blacks say it's ok for them to use the n word"

2. Hobo59 says: "Spoken like the ignoramus you prove yourself to be. Nope you can't find a conservative Homosexual since the ideologies and terms are mutually exclusive. By the way if you want supporting evidence, all you need to do is post some for your statements first ! lol Dumb homosexual cock lover !"

1. I'm going to MrMadBastard and just posting several one liners he also said because....well....shit....you'll see:

"u silly fucking dirty inbred shite eating nonce fuck, u clearly ARE gay as is obvious to the entire human race. don't u realise what an abomination against christ your rancid cocksucking faggot ways are? u really need to repent now and beg that u be spared from an eternity of beelzebub's red hot phallus of justice in the pit of hades, u fucking demented shite eating cunt. u make fucking sick beyone all comprehension. u silly fuck, why don't u go read the bible sometime before it is too late! an eternity in the blazing fires of hades awaits you if continue with your perverted shitstabbing ways. Never underestimate the depravity of a bumhole engineer"


Not a lot of pictures and witty one liner opportunities in the text above....not unless someone wants me to quip about goatse(DONT GOOGLE!!!) or something.



So yeah....are there really enough good youtube comments to justify the fucked up ones? I gotta think no. Even those that aren't offensive are still just some 19 year old saying how he relates to Rob Thomas because his girlfriend broke up with him.


2. Dumb ass videos I have to watch


I'm, unfortunately, a pretty nice guy. I'd have been better off if I was a dickbag. I'd have pulled more pussy, i'd have more career success and i'd probably be a fan of hair gel and ed hardy(not you Angie...talking about guys)



hair gel and dickbags certainly aren't mutually exclusive


Being a nice guy has messed me up in several areas of life(we'll get back to that in a minute). I'm also an internet master...especially youtube. I described my youtube prowess to a coworker like this:

"Look....I don't want to watch any piddly ass youtube videos. I'm on a different plain than other people when it comes to youtube. I don't want to see some corny motherfucker doing 20 years of dance moves or some fat future diabetic twirling his lightsaber. I'm past all that shit. Normal youtube humor does nothing for me. I'm a youtube deviant. If everyone else is having youtube missionary sex....i'm like having to youtube jerk off while someone steps on a cockroach and shits on a glass coffee table while I watch from under. So you have to at least youtube pee on me for me to even chuckle. Dig?"


They didn't really dig....but it got me out of whatever they were about to show me. Anyway, that was to one of my REALLY good work friends. I can't say shit like that to everyone....and they take advantage. I'm stuck watching shitty foreign beer commercials that they think are funny or motocross crashes or some shit I watched 5 years ago. It's not good


So, isn't there some kind of youtube committee we could form and get some of the shitty videos off? I'll head the damned thing.

While i'm on this side tangent: Don't fucking recommend videos for me to watch, because it's always recommending I watch some shit that's related to something I was youtube raped into watching. It's never "Always Sunny.." clips or "Mad cause i'm stylin on you" compilations....and it's only ever ass shaking videos when my wife is around. It's always Glenn Beck calling Whoppee Goldberg a cunt or something because someone made me watch a scene of "Sister Act". I don't need that shit.



Glad we got that resolved youtube.


kthxbye!!!

"Cussin' in front of the preacher/THEY DID WHAT!!!"

This is another story from my past.


2 years ago, I got married. Jury still out on that one. However, it did leave me with quite a moment. I had 4 best men in my wedding: My 2 brothers, Nathan and Daniel and two of my best friends, Tyler Marsh and Nicky Shelton. We all got fitted for tuxedos from Goody's and this little nugget some how came up: My little brother has lost his virginity in A FUCKING 3 WAY(gangbang? Is it still a 3 way if the 3rd is another guy?) WITH NICKY SHELTON AND SOME RANDOM FEMALE!!!




random female

See, I remember when Nicky lost his virginity. He was sorta like a little brother. We spent a lot of time together and he was one of the guys I always looked after and he listened to me....and then one day I turned around and he was grown up. Well, he wasn't quite there yet when this happened. He was with a nefarious young lady and thought it was way too much of a coincidence that the Dave Chappelle skit where he's communicating with various STD's was on as he's fornicating. This is how he summed everything up into a nice little ball though: "I kinda wish I hadn't done it. She also gave a lazy blowjob". So yeah.



Herpes! SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKA!!!


I say all that to say this: From the first time Nicky wrangled his first piece of pussy, something in him changed. He decided, from that point forward, he wasn't going to masturbate unless he had to. I tried to explain to him "hey man....sometimes it's better to play tennis against the wall than with a shitty partner" but he wasn't buying that. That boy would fuck a lubed up hole in the ground.



Just add lube or spit in it



So i've seen him do much worse than he could do for a quick nut. Another strange quirk about Nicky....he always wanted me to be involved. He would often try to talk me in to he and I tag teaming random girls...sometimes even girlfriends of his. Well, when I became all but married, I guess he moved on to Nathan and Nathan said "fuck it...i'm down". So Nicky apparently summoned up one of his lower level sea urchins and talked her into it. This is how the conversation between Nathan and I went (with a few comments thrown in by Nicky)



Nic: Well...uh....how was it?


Nathan: Fucking awful. Like, she put on "bump and grind" by R Kelly and lit some candles.

Nic: Ok. Like, what was she...like a 4 out of 10

Nathan: Nah...she was like a 2 or 3 on a good day

Nic: Fuck. I usually save my 2 and 3 ranking for special needs people and amputees

Nicky: She wasn't that bad

Nic: {Laughing}

Nathan: Whatever

Nic: Well, did it at least feel good?

Nathan: It felt like I was fucking a cold can of hormel chili. Or like....a zip lock bag full of chilled water with a goldfish in it that I just won from the carnival. Or like....a fucking....pringles can full of lemon jello. Maybe a vat of mayonnaise that went bad a couple of months ago but no one threw it out of the refrigerator. Or....(and on and on and on....even to this day)



He might have said 'like a coffee can full of shit"...but that would've hit a little close to home. Uh....Nathan once shit in a coffee can and kept it for like 3 years



So, the next day was the wedding. Nicky, Nathan and I go pick up the tuxes and we're gonna go to the church to set up. Nathan is riding in the back and Nicky's car was a 2 door...so I have to fold the seat up and let him out. Nathan is like 6'6" 285 at this point....so he's not comfortable in the back and the whole way over, he's complaining that the tuxedos laying on him is making him hot and making his dick itch(pause). Quick side story: My church was going through a transition at the time. The preacher I grew up with and wanted to do my wedding had moved on to a different church but was coming back to do the wedding. The new preacher i'd met maybe twice and he's outside trimming the hedges or something when we pull up(end side story). So we pull up to the church and i'm a ball of nerves. I get out of the car and just start walking toward the church like i'm Joe Coolshit. In slow motion like fucking Mr Blonde in Reservoir Dogs or some shit. Nathan calmly waits 3 seconds like he can't believe i'm leaving him stuck back there and then yells "NIC, GET THESE TUXEDOS OFF ME GODDAMN IT!!!". The preacher looks up and I lost my shit. I fell down laughing. I haven't been back much since then.



Anyway, that whole night was pretty awesome. Nathan spent the night making Tyler uncomfortable by telling him all the things this random woman's vagina felt like. Tyler went and told my older brother Daniel...hoping he'd talk some sense into Nathan but Daniel was more proud than anything(I'm not sure what it says about me that i'm the only brother out of 3 that's never been in a 3 way of any kind).


Ah. My life







Just a nice follow up. I texted Nathan to see if he minded me re-telling this story to the 9 people who read this shit. This is our text transcript.


Nic: Hey man....do you care if I tell the 3 way story on my blog?

Nathan: Nah

Nic: Cool...just wanted to make sure before I put your business on teh internets

Nathan: Yeah...cool. One condition. You have to embellish the size of my penis

Nic: Holy shit. That means I also have to embellish the size of that bitches' twat

Nathan: Fuck yeah. I've got rhino cock and she's got the bat cave

Nic: Full of cold chili

Nathan: And Robin

Nic: And that old ass butler guy

Nathan: Hell yeah


fin

OH HOLY SHIT. IT'S ON

You know what....you try to be a nice guy. (gathering my thoughts and trying to compose myself). Fuck. My anger is genuine right now people. You know...it's interesting that on the day that "The Elusive Erin" threatened to basically break her elusive foot off in my ass unless I wrote a blog post, that i'd find something so infuriating that unless I wrote about it, i'd have to gut myself and bleed out in the bathtub just to not feel pain anymore.


So, this was me a few weeks ago on this very blog:

"It's made me completely re-evaluate everything i've ever believed. I mean it. Do you know what i'm doing? I'm calling off the fatwa on Trace Adkins. Yeah. Just did it. Holy war over."


Huge mistake. This is why you have to keep your foot on the throat of the opposition. Because if you let up, they find the thing you love most in the world...AND THEY FUCKING ATTACK IT!




Trace: "Hey Guyton, Next i'm gonna fuck your grandmother."


Nic: "My grandmother is DEAD!!!"


Adkins....you son of a bitch. I've been hating you for about 8 years. I declared a fucking fatwa on you for christ sake. But then...i realized most music now is truly shitty. So I let it go. When I started hating you....you were the shittiest artist on the planet. But then everyone else took that as a personal challenge to "out shitty" you.




I didn't have enough hate for everyone. So I let it go...hoping to finally find peace. Well Trace, you won't let me have peace will you? You wait 8 FUCKING YEARS to respond to me and my nonsense....patiently. Plotting. Like a goddamn hillbilly bond villain with a penis bulge in his wranglers. You knew my sweet spot all along didn't you....you bastard. You were just waiting til the perfect time. That perfect time came on Dec 5th, 2009. My beloved Alabama Crimson Tide....the most important not human(I consider the team an entity...like a thing...not so much the individuals who make up the team) thing in my life...won the SEC championship and were on their way to the national championship for only the second time in my life....and I was 6 the last time. I quickly scrambled for a way to haul my ass out to Pasadena, CA and buy tickets....and while I was distracted, that terrorist dropped this dirty bomb on me






Yeah, it's sideways. I didn't shoot the motherfucker. Turn your monitor or head sideways if you want to see a denim outline of Trace Adkins' cock


Now, admittedly, i've taken some shots at Trace Adkins. Calling him the shittiest artist in the world comes to mind. Declaring an islamic holy war on him was also probably seen by some as a bit extreme. Hell, when I was told the story about his 2nd wife almost killing him by shooting him twice, my honest to god first reaction was "I gotta teach that bitch how to aim"....which seemed to shock those in the room with me. So yeah, we have history. But this is a low blow. I mean, we're talking about Alabama here. My original home state. The team that got me through an unbelievably hard(comparatively speaking) childhood and adolescence. It's one thing to slowly kill the idea of music. I guess you needed a new challenge.


Well fine. It's on bitch. And by "it", i mean my fatwa....a new fatwa with some bad juju. All my juju is going toward you and Texas. And i'm done with Texas in a month and your ass is grass....covered in some really tight denim. No homo.





For those that failed math: Trace Adkins' punk ass + Texas' punk ass + a hydrogen bomb or some other cataclysmic event = a happy and slightly amused(aroused?) Nickoli

Of the week

Quote:


"Hello Benjamin. God has a plan for you"

-Me. A couple of Resident Hall Security guys at work had been hyping me up all night and telling the new guy that I was funny and stuff....so I broke him off with that little nugget.



Moment:


I stopped off at the house to visit my nephews at 9 in the morning. Nathan was still asleep and I made as much noise as humanly possible to wake him up....followed by him saying "SHUT THE FUCK UP!" which made me laugh uncontrollably.


Video:

do subliminal messages work? Play this for your girlfriend and see.