*sigh* da durty version

Quick quote of the day while I remember it

"Hell no she's not sleeping. She's watching the discovery channel, learning about fucking stalagmites"

-Me. It was 3 in the morning and we're trying to get Lucy, who is addicted to the tv, to go to sleep. Laura ask me if she was asleep, but her eyes were WIDE open watching the channel we'd left it on....which was now playing something about caves.






Lucy thinks this is some badass shit







Now, quick question: How many of you knew that christmas and new years always falls on the same day of the week(like this year, both will be on friday....because they are a week apart)? Because i'm losing faith in mankind. Maybe i'm weird FOR knowing that. I know one thing though, there is no excuse for someone being told they are 7 days apart and that christmas is on a friday and having them still stumble on what day it would be on. That person makes more money than me and that's why capitalism doesn't work.



this guy knows what i'm talking about





And music. I know I complain about music a lot....but seriously. Are we really going this route? Just have a beat....say something about drinking and dancing and how much fun you're having....and it's a hit? For real?


Like....I was driving home....and I get this musical abortion(I dare you to listen to it. I QUADRUPLE DOG DARE YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!)











THAT. JUST. HAPPENED!!!


Now, i know what you're thinking. "Nic....What The Fuck man? Just because you had to deal with that garbage doesn't mean I wanted to". Well screw you hippies. You know what....i'm like that jigsaw guy from "Saw". If i'm dying of cancer(this song is cancer....metaphorically and literally. I feel a lump in my lymph nodes or something after listening to it) then i'm taking someone(all of you) out with me.







I wanna play a shitty song






Oh, you think i'm done. No no. One song later...some product of a faulty condom is singing about.....i'm really not sure. I think an acid trip. Something about hugging fireflies?




WHAT!?!?! So wait.....this schmo gets a thousand hugs.....from 10,000 lightning bugs? What does that even mean? Is high tea involved? On another note....it's good to know that screech's robot from Saved by the bell is getting work. I mean, 15 years ago, both of these people would have been laughed at/beaten with a stick. That's what happened to Crispin Glover.



I had to immediately change the station. I was never so happy to hear "I'm so caught up in you....little girl". I mean....really....I would've taken any 38 special I could get at that point. I'm glad it was the musical version or something bad could've happened.


It's made me completely re-evaluate everything i've ever believed. I mean it. Do you know what i'm doing? I'm calling off the fatwa on Trace Adkins. Yeah. Just did it. Holy war over. I also hate Taylor Swift, Beyonce Knowles, Kid Rock, Gucci Mane, and Lil Boosie JUST a bit less(not much, don't press it). I can't have this much hate in me...and all of these people(sans Boosie, Gucci and Taylor Swift) have had at least ONE song that was ok.


I'm a broken man people. Now, if you'll excuse me....i'm going to listen to 6 straight hours of Blue October, Royce, Alice in Chains, OLD Pearl Jam, REM, Nonpoint, Sevendust, and Wallflowers.


*sigh*

All apologies

I had a super busy week and didn't get to post much(editor's note: at all) but i'm going to post this apology....and I new rant today. I'll try to post more often...but my daughter is kicking my ass lately during my writing time. I promise at least once a week though. Thanks for your support

Story from my life. "....just might get it"

Here's a new segment for everyone. Basically, i've had a crazy life. I've surrounded myself with characters that would be unbelievable even in movies. I hate boredom, and the people in my life make sure that i'm never bored and have given me a shit ton of stories. Here is one.




-"Be careful what you ask for. You just might get it"

A lot of fucking people. And the pussycat dolls


I don't remember the day I met Jacob Grijalva. It seems like i've known him my entire life. I do know that we have been friends since AT LEAST kindergarten and Kiddie College(which just had a hall of fame cast of characters).


Jake and I became fast friends and our personalities made for interesting moments. There was the time I confided in him that my parents were, embarrassingly, taking me to a urologist to have my urethra checked on(it needed to be widened. happens a lot and is genetic I think as me and my brother both had to have it done). He interpreted this and announced it to the class as "Hey....Nic is going to the dr because his balls are too small". There was the time he made fun of my mom so I drew a giant picture of a tombstone with his name on it and hung it in the class with the phrase "i'm going to kill you" on it. Jesus. I would've been expelled if I did that in this day and age, even though I was probably 9 or 10. There were other tales, but we'll get into those at another time.


The point is, we were brought together early in our lives by coincidence and our personalities led us to be friends but also led us to both have an "alfa dog" mentality and we clashed....a lot....over girls, objects, and things even dumber. I say all of that just to kind of give a background on Jacob and I because he'll probably be in several of these stories.


So here is the actual story part. Jacob and I are both large mammals....he larger than I.....and played football. Coach McCrory used to pseudo racistly call him "the biggest Mexican to ever cross the Rio Grande". Coach McCrory could just say shit and somehow get away with what others couldn't. Jacob was a bit....um....short tempered in his early years. He once body slammed a quarterback in a fucking B team football game and got ejected. After the game I ask him why and he said "fucker kept throwing it before I could get to him". So yeah. The fact that Jake didn't ram McCrory's head up his ass at 90 miles an hour lets you know he kinda liked him.





Jacob seen here not murdering the shit out of coach McCrory



So, the best part of playing football isn't even playing football. Or it wasn't for me anyway. My favorite year of football was 10th grade....the one year I didn't hardly play at all. It was because we had a core group of guys we'd sit on the sideline and bullshit with. As 15 year old boys are prone to do....we'd talk about sex....a lot. Sex we'd had, sex we wanted to have, sex we wished we hadn't had and sex we were gonna have and probably later wish we hadn't. Well, before Jacob had ever had sex for the first time....all he talked about was anal sex. He had a fucked up obsession with it. We'd all be talking about regular sex or oral sex and he just went straight for the poop shoot. Even girls he'd have crushes on where you usually hold them in high regard.....he just wanted to sodomize. But that was Jacob.






So....Jake moved to Texas right as we reached adulthood. As things go when you reach adulthood and move off, we kept in touch casually but not frequently. One day, my girlfriend at the time(who is now my wife) and I were riding with an ex girlfriend of Jacob's and he randomly called her phone. He found out I was in the car and asked to speak with me. We shot the shit for hours....running down Tiffany's anytime minutes with reckless abandon when Jake drops this bomb on me.

Conversation as fucking close to verbatim as I can remember it


Jake: Ah....dude. Guess what else I did?

Nic: What's that?

J: Fucked a girl in the ass

N: Really? Was it everything you'd hoped?

J: Well....let me tell you the story. So...when I was the manager of a What-a-burger out here(I believe Fort Worth) I met this girl and we hit it off. So we started dating and stuff and I really like her. She's cool as shit, right?

N: Gotcha

J: So we start having sex and what not and we develop feelings for each other. So I want to try anal sex.

N: Of course

J: Yeah. So....I'm like "Look, I like you and you like me. We could just try it once and it'll be something we've only tried with each other." So finally she agrees.


N: Awesome


J: Fucking shit was disgusting. It was fucking warm and dry. Like, then I tried to have sex like normal with her the next day....I was so grossed out I couldn't even get hard anymore. I broke up with that bitch


N: Jesus Christ


J: Yeah. So don't do that shit.


N: noted


end of convo



So, that would be the end of that story...except, I just spoke with Jacob a couple of hours ago to get his permission to tell this story(his answer: dude....tell whatever crazy ass stories about me you can remember) and I recount to him this one and he says this

J: "Man...you know what's crazy? Even after that shit happened....every girl I go out with, I try to convince them to have anal sex. I think to myself 'goddamn it...don't you remember what happened last time?' but it doesn't matter."









Jacob seen here....probably fucking something in the ass



Yeah, that's my life.



If you liked this one, i've got more for the future and i'm leading the readers vote on which one is next. The choices are


-Burning of the bitch book

-Drunken Jake/AKA "The Penis Monster"

-M's wasted condom bomb

-Innocence "kinda" lost

-Wedding preacher cussin/"THEY DID WHAT?"


All are solid and all will probably get told on this blog barring my death or a key character silencing me.

An open letter to the radio guy who pissed me off

Dear radio guy who pissed me off


What the fuck man? Really. Oh. You don't know what i'm pissed about? Oh ok. Well then, that means you're a fucktard a lot and I just happened to be listening this one time. Let me break it down for you. I have to drive. A lot. It sucks ass. It's up to about an hour and twenty minutes round trip, 5 days a week. I've really listened to every track of every cd I have(which is a bunch) 6 times too many at least. Occasionally, i'll get a wild hair up my ass and, retardedly, decide to see what's on radio. One fateful night in particular....you gave me this gem


*beginning of that fucking Fray song about him being mopey and sad. Oh? That's all of them? Well....shit. The one they used for the last season of "Lost"*




Yeah, i'd be sad too

Radio guy who pissed me off(my snide comments in parenthesis): "Here's the new one(7 months old at this point) by The Fray. This is the song from this season of 'Lost' but these guys are actually big fans of 'The Office'! Here's..."(whatever the fuck the name of that song is.)

That's stupid. It's really really stupid. Like.....ok....(stutters a bit, head starts to hurt)...So, these assholes struck a deal with ABC to use their song for Lost. Cool. Now....(rage starting to boil inside)...these assholes probably watch tv. Most people do. So, by fucking default, they are going to like something on tv...and 'The Office' has a shit ton of fans and is probably a good show(haven't seen it). They aren't inventing the wheel by saying they like 'The Office'. (slow drip of blood down my nose and into my mouth....spilling onto the keyboard but being completely ignored....except for the part where i'm writing about it right here). K...so WHAT THE FUCK DOES THEM LIKING THE OFFICE HAVE TO DO WITH THE SONG OR LOST!?!?!?!? It's just a hobby. I don't need fucking fun facts. This isn't "pop up video...and by the way, that would be the worst pop up in pop up video history. It'd be worse than the time the pop up told me "she-bop" by Cindy Lauper was about masturbation and I had to think about Cindy Lauper masturbating...and that was pretty bad.





this...but finger banging herself


Now, if you have some interesting shit to say, by all means. If you want to say "This is the song for the 5th season of Lost....but these guys actually think Lost is a big pile of shit and hopes the entire cast and their family get swept away by a typhoon so they won't have to deal with making songs for them anymore" then say it. I love "Lost", so i'd think that was pretty shitty, but at least it'd have something to do with the price of tea in china.





the last time you'll see me mention tea without my scrotum being involved


Look, you're job as the d.j. is to fill 30 seconds in between playing terrible songs. Every once in a while, you MAY be asked to take a request from some dumbass who wants to hear the same Usher song you just played 3 songs ago but he didn't hear because he was taking a shit and is too cheap to buy the cd and too dumb to just go to youtube(i'm not done with you, you son of a bitch. You're next) and listen to it....probably with some girl shaking her ass in boy shorts as the video which is an improvement over the real video of him dry humping a tree or whatever.





apparently that was his wife and not a tree. i apologize to trees everywhere

So, you talk about the shitty band and play the song and you can do your bong load or go back to sexting the 17 year old girl you're creepily "in love with". But don't give me random shit they like. That's pointless. I'd rather hear dead air. Like, where would we draw the line?


"Here's a goodie by Elton John. Ya know....he says 'she' packed his bags last night pre-flight....but he actually likes fucking guys in the pooper. Here's 'Rocketman'"


no image


"Here's one by The Wallflowers. This was a song off the 'Godzilla 2000' soundtrack but none of these guys actually saw that movie because.....no one actually saw that movie. But Bob Dylan was the lead singer's dad. It's 'We could be Heroes' coming up next"


"Hey, we got some Soulja Boy coming up next. Interesting fact....Soulja is actually spelled incorrectly and it's a misnomer because he isn't actually a soldier by all accounts. Another product of the failed Mississippi Public School System. Here is 'Ya Bitch'"

"Good one by Travis Tritt, who likes Cheerios. 'Anymore' by request"






So yeah. How about we shape up and cut the shit and commence with the entertaining me for free thing. Eh? Deal? Good.

Thanks.

Nic

Fuck you facebook(an open letter to a website that can't read and wouldn't give a shit if it could)

Dear Facebook,

Go fuck yourself. Seriously. Do it now. I'll wait.....Ya done? Wow. You may be a premature ejaculator. Get that shit checked out. I mean, I know you have tons of women posting erotic pics on your site. Not to mention that just being a product of the internet and all it's porn must be exhausting. I mean....your first letter is an "f" so you're probably neighbor sites with a lot of things like "fuckbuddies-dot-something" or "facesittingfatties-dot-whatever" or even "fingerblastingfuckstickfucker-dot-blahblah/butternutsquash". So, yeah. Little bit of a pass, but one out of the chamber that quick isn't a good sign.


On to the business at hand. I think you're pretty much a prick. You make my life more difficult than it has to be. So, myspace came out before you and I didn't hop right on it because I was fucking poor and could literally drive and see all the people that would've been on my potential friends list two times over before my dial up internet would have let me see them. Then I got a job at that let's me dick around on the internet in my spare time and figured this was the time to touch base with old friends.


Well, it seems as soon as I set up a site.....and I fucking mean as soon as I was done....people started talking about this "cool new site that is more mature" called facebook(that's you cocknose). Well, that was all well and good because you were the minority....until you weren't. People jumped off the myspace bandwagon like you could catch syphilis from that shit(which you can, but only if you're friends with Tila Tequila).


Now, I get this conversation when running into any old friend

"Nic: Holy shit, if it isn't mon frere. Remember that time we destroyed some random property?

Random Friend: Yeah. What's up? How's life been? (Women or Tyler only) Would you like a handjob?

Nic: Whoa! Uh.....i'm married and shit. Pretty sure you knew that but thanks Tyler. Raincheck after my divorce? Cool.

RF: Ah....(shuffles feet) well, this has been cool. We should keep up.

Nic: Definitely. I'll send you a myspace friends thing.

RF: Myspace? Ohhhh. Ouch. Ahhhh. Eeeee. Ehhhhh. Oweoweooo. Jeez. Ballcheese. Mmmmmm.

Nic: Uh....

RF: Pfff. Shhhh. Ggggg.

Nic: *bad thoughts*

RF: I don't really go to myspace anymore. I'm more facebook. You don't have facebook?

Nic: No

RF: Wow....you should have facebook.

Nic: Fuck that. You already have myspace....you just don't go to it. I'm not creating a whole nother fucking thing to go to that will be obsolete in 3 days because of Twitter or Jacksession or whatever shitty ass social networking site comes next. I'm not doing it. "

fin


Fucking Johnny come lately website. I ought to make a profile just because I know some new shit will come along and splatter your website brain on the wall.



I....uh.....guess that's pretty much it. Just wanted to let you know how I feel. Sorry if I came with both barrels.....pause(x3).

Sincerely and with much love.

Nic

Interesting for no reason things i've done in my life

I've done some shit that borders on amazing and invalid at the same time. Here are a few of those things.



-Lifted 3 people on my shoulders in a pool at one time. That means someone(Megan) got on someone's(Nicky's) shoulders who got on someone's(Nathan's) shoulders....and then I lifted them. By the time i'm done lifting them, they're out of the water and that's a good 600 pounds at the time.


-Ripped a school english book in half with my teeth and then burned it. Screw you Ashley. That'll learn ya


-Attempted to fish a basketball out of a gravel pit with a grill cover. Uh....the grill cover didn't make it.


-Wore regular shoes to a prom with a suit and then realized I looked like a jackass when the pictures came in

-Drank 80 oz of rootbeer at a crackerbarrel on a dare and then felt like shit for a couple of days. I don't even like rootbeer.

-Got attacked by a goose for trying to kidnap one of her children

-Almost got my hand bit off by a seal while trying to feed it

-Best backyard football player of all time(retired)

(to be continued)

Of the day

Quote of the day: "Yeah well....just remember this shit when I need you to be a character witness for my inevitable criminal trial"

-Nic Guyton to a friend after doing them a favor



Song Lyric of the day:

"The (person) better than me is who I ain't heard of yet. So I ain't murdered yet. He ain't even been born, his mama's a virgin, she ain't even fertile yet"

-Royce. "Gun Harmonizing"


Movie of the day:

-"Timecrimes". Actually, it's called "Los Cronocrimenes". Spanish film with subtitles. Pretty badass sci-fi thriller from Mexico. Not overdone like Hollywood films. Only way I can think to watch it is on netflix "instant watch" If you have netflix, put it on your que and enjoy.


Weird thing I did recently of the day:


-Wrote a haiku about anal sex. Sam came in from work and was telling me he had a crush on some girl so I wrote a haiku about he and she having anal sex. Yeah.


Weird family thing of the day:

-My brother, Nathan, shit in a peanut can like 3 years ago and keeps it in his room to this day. He's pretty fucked mentally.

Video of the day: