Fuck you facebook(an open letter to a website that can't read and wouldn't give a shit if it could)

Dear Facebook,

Go fuck yourself. Seriously. Do it now. I'll wait.....Ya done? Wow. You may be a premature ejaculator. Get that shit checked out. I mean, I know you have tons of women posting erotic pics on your site. Not to mention that just being a product of the internet and all it's porn must be exhausting. I mean....your first letter is an "f" so you're probably neighbor sites with a lot of things like "fuckbuddies-dot-something" or "facesittingfatties-dot-whatever" or even "fingerblastingfuckstickfucker-dot-blahblah/butternutsquash". So, yeah. Little bit of a pass, but one out of the chamber that quick isn't a good sign.


On to the business at hand. I think you're pretty much a prick. You make my life more difficult than it has to be. So, myspace came out before you and I didn't hop right on it because I was fucking poor and could literally drive and see all the people that would've been on my potential friends list two times over before my dial up internet would have let me see them. Then I got a job at that let's me dick around on the internet in my spare time and figured this was the time to touch base with old friends.


Well, it seems as soon as I set up a site.....and I fucking mean as soon as I was done....people started talking about this "cool new site that is more mature" called facebook(that's you cocknose). Well, that was all well and good because you were the minority....until you weren't. People jumped off the myspace bandwagon like you could catch syphilis from that shit(which you can, but only if you're friends with Tila Tequila).


Now, I get this conversation when running into any old friend

"Nic: Holy shit, if it isn't mon frere. Remember that time we destroyed some random property?

Random Friend: Yeah. What's up? How's life been? (Women or Tyler only) Would you like a handjob?

Nic: Whoa! Uh.....i'm married and shit. Pretty sure you knew that but thanks Tyler. Raincheck after my divorce? Cool.

RF: Ah....(shuffles feet) well, this has been cool. We should keep up.

Nic: Definitely. I'll send you a myspace friends thing.

RF: Myspace? Ohhhh. Ouch. Ahhhh. Eeeee. Ehhhhh. Oweoweooo. Jeez. Ballcheese. Mmmmmm.

Nic: Uh....

RF: Pfff. Shhhh. Ggggg.

Nic: *bad thoughts*

RF: I don't really go to myspace anymore. I'm more facebook. You don't have facebook?

Nic: No

RF: Wow....you should have facebook.

Nic: Fuck that. You already have myspace....you just don't go to it. I'm not creating a whole nother fucking thing to go to that will be obsolete in 3 days because of Twitter or Jacksession or whatever shitty ass social networking site comes next. I'm not doing it. "

fin


Fucking Johnny come lately website. I ought to make a profile just because I know some new shit will come along and splatter your website brain on the wall.



I....uh.....guess that's pretty much it. Just wanted to let you know how I feel. Sorry if I came with both barrels.....pause(x3).

Sincerely and with much love.

Nic