You know what....you try to be a nice guy. (gathering my thoughts and trying to compose myself). Fuck. My anger is genuine right now people. You know...it's interesting that on the day that "The Elusive Erin" threatened to basically break her elusive foot off in my ass unless I wrote a blog post, that i'd find something so infuriating that unless I wrote about it, i'd have to gut myself and bleed out in the bathtub just to not feel pain anymore.
So, this was me a few weeks ago on this very blog:
"It's made me completely re-evaluate everything i've ever believed. I mean it. Do you know what i'm doing? I'm calling off the fatwa on Trace Adkins. Yeah. Just did it. Holy war over."
Huge mistake. This is why you have to keep your foot on the throat of the opposition. Because if you let up, they find the thing you love most in the world...AND THEY FUCKING ATTACK IT!
Trace: "Hey Guyton, Next i'm gonna fuck your grandmother."
Nic: "My grandmother is DEAD!!!"
Adkins....you son of a bitch. I've been hating you for about 8 years. I declared a fucking fatwa on you for christ sake. But then...i realized most music now is truly shitty. So I let it go. When I started hating you....you were the shittiest artist on the planet. But then everyone else took that as a personal challenge to "out shitty" you.
I didn't have enough hate for everyone. So I let it go...hoping to finally find peace. Well Trace, you won't let me have peace will you? You wait 8 FUCKING YEARS to respond to me and my nonsense....patiently. Plotting. Like a goddamn hillbilly bond villain with a penis bulge in his wranglers. You knew my sweet spot all along didn't you....you bastard. You were just waiting til the perfect time. That perfect time came on Dec 5th, 2009. My beloved Alabama Crimson Tide....the most important not human(I consider the team an entity...like a thing...not so much the individuals who make up the team) thing in my life...won the SEC championship and were on their way to the national championship for only the second time in my life....and I was 6 the last time. I quickly scrambled for a way to haul my ass out to Pasadena, CA and buy tickets....and while I was distracted, that terrorist dropped this dirty bomb on me
Yeah, it's sideways. I didn't shoot the motherfucker. Turn your monitor or head sideways if you want to see a denim outline of Trace Adkins' cock
Now, admittedly, i've taken some shots at Trace Adkins. Calling him the shittiest artist in the world comes to mind. Declaring an islamic holy war on him was also probably seen by some as a bit extreme. Hell, when I was told the story about his 2nd wife almost killing him by shooting him twice, my honest to god first reaction was "I gotta teach that bitch how to aim"....which seemed to shock those in the room with me. So yeah, we have history. But this is a low blow. I mean, we're talking about Alabama here. My original home state. The team that got me through an unbelievably hard(comparatively speaking) childhood and adolescence. It's one thing to slowly kill the idea of music. I guess you needed a new challenge.
Well fine. It's on bitch. And by "it", i mean my fatwa....a new fatwa with some bad juju. All my juju is going toward you and Texas. And i'm done with Texas in a month and your ass is grass....covered in some really tight denim. No homo.
For those that failed math: Trace Adkins' punk ass + Texas' punk ass + a hydrogen bomb or some other cataclysmic event = a happy and slightly amused(aroused?) Nickoli