Saturday, January 23, 2010

"Cussin' in front of the preacher/THEY DID WHAT!!!"

This is another story from my past.

2 years ago, I got married. Jury still out on that one. However, it did leave me with quite a moment. I had 4 best men in my wedding: My 2 brothers, Nathan and Daniel and two of my best friends, Tyler Marsh and Nicky Shelton. We all got fitted for tuxedos from Goody's and this little nugget some how came up: My little brother has lost his virginity in A FUCKING 3 WAY(gangbang? Is it still a 3 way if the 3rd is another guy?) WITH NICKY SHELTON AND SOME RANDOM FEMALE!!!

UPI POY 2009 - Entertainment.

random female

See, I remember when Nicky lost his virginity. He was sorta like a little brother. We spent a lot of time together and he was one of the guys I always looked after and he listened to me....and then one day I turned around and he was grown up. Well, he wasn't quite there yet when this happened. He was with a nefarious young lady and thought it was way too much of a coincidence that the Dave Chappelle skit where he's communicating with various STD's was on as he's fornicating. This is how he summed everything up into a nice little ball though: "I kinda wish I hadn't done it. She also gave a lazy blowjob". So yeah.

The Fifth Annual Grand Gala


I say all that to say this: From the first time Nicky wrangled his first piece of pussy, something in him changed. He decided, from that point forward, he wasn't going to masturbate unless he had to. I tried to explain to him "hey man....sometimes it's better to play tennis against the wall than with a shitty partner" but he wasn't buying that. That boy would fuck a lubed up hole in the ground.

Just add lube or spit in it

So i've seen him do much worse than he could do for a quick nut. Another strange quirk about Nicky....he always wanted me to be involved. He would often try to talk me in to he and I tag teaming random girls...sometimes even girlfriends of his. Well, when I became all but married, I guess he moved on to Nathan and Nathan said "fuck it...i'm down". So Nicky apparently summoned up one of his lower level sea urchins and talked her into it. This is how the conversation between Nathan and I went (with a few comments thrown in by Nicky)

Nic: was it?

Nathan: Fucking awful. Like, she put on "bump and grind" by R Kelly and lit some candles.

Nic: Ok. Like, what was a 4 out of 10

Nathan: Nah...she was like a 2 or 3 on a good day

Nic: Fuck. I usually save my 2 and 3 ranking for special needs people and amputees

Nicky: She wasn't that bad

Nic: {Laughing}

Nathan: Whatever

Nic: Well, did it at least feel good?

Nathan: It felt like I was fucking a cold can of hormel chili. Or like....a zip lock bag full of chilled water with a goldfish in it that I just won from the carnival. Or like....a fucking....pringles can full of lemon jello. Maybe a vat of mayonnaise that went bad a couple of months ago but no one threw it out of the refrigerator. Or....(and on and on and on....even to this day)

Folgers To Stop Using Metal Cans For Packaging

He might have said 'like a coffee can full of shit"...but that would've hit a little close to home. Uh....Nathan once shit in a coffee can and kept it for like 3 years

So, the next day was the wedding. Nicky, Nathan and I go pick up the tuxes and we're gonna go to the church to set up. Nathan is riding in the back and Nicky's car was a 2 I have to fold the seat up and let him out. Nathan is like 6'6" 285 at this he's not comfortable in the back and the whole way over, he's complaining that the tuxedos laying on him is making him hot and making his dick itch(pause). Quick side story: My church was going through a transition at the time. The preacher I grew up with and wanted to do my wedding had moved on to a different church but was coming back to do the wedding. The new preacher i'd met maybe twice and he's outside trimming the hedges or something when we pull up(end side story). So we pull up to the church and i'm a ball of nerves. I get out of the car and just start walking toward the church like i'm Joe Coolshit. In slow motion like fucking Mr Blonde in Reservoir Dogs or some shit. Nathan calmly waits 3 seconds like he can't believe i'm leaving him stuck back there and then yells "NIC, GET THESE TUXEDOS OFF ME GODDAMN IT!!!". The preacher looks up and I lost my shit. I fell down laughing. I haven't been back much since then.

Anyway, that whole night was pretty awesome. Nathan spent the night making Tyler uncomfortable by telling him all the things this random woman's vagina felt like. Tyler went and told my older brother Daniel...hoping he'd talk some sense into Nathan but Daniel was more proud than anything(I'm not sure what it says about me that i'm the only brother out of 3 that's never been in a 3 way of any kind).

Ah. My life

Just a nice follow up. I texted Nathan to see if he minded me re-telling this story to the 9 people who read this shit. This is our text transcript.

Nic: Hey you care if I tell the 3 way story on my blog?

Nathan: Nah

Nic: Cool...just wanted to make sure before I put your business on teh internets

Nathan: One condition. You have to embellish the size of my penis

Nic: Holy shit. That means I also have to embellish the size of that bitches' twat

Nathan: Fuck yeah. I've got rhino cock and she's got the bat cave

Nic: Full of cold chili

Nathan: And Robin

Nic: And that old ass butler guy

Nathan: Hell yeah



    I..There...Uh...I don't really know what to say to that other than, now I have so many images running through my head and well,...I'm going back to work.

  2. This story would be cooler if sheep and a recruiting trip to auburn was involved