Friday, February 19, 2010

An open letter to youtube

Dear Youtube

I know you've heard the horror stories. No, i'm not going to bitch you out like I did that radio guy or facebook(I caved on facebook and have one now). I just wanna talk.....before our relationship gets to that. You see, we work well together. You help me melt away precious seconds of my life that I could be doing something worthwhile(unlikely) or playing "Punchout" on nintendo(very likely)

Excuse me while I fuck up this Turkish boxer in 8 bits

I, in turn, send you hits to the genuinely insane videos I can find like Clowny Clown Clown and the wonderfully confusing and hilarious That's Weird and even chime in a video of my own(me commenting and then my brother Nathan singing about....uh....monkey sex. Just watch it)

So the positives are certainly there. The negatives. Ah the negatives. Let's look at them one by one.

1. Comments Every fucking youtube video somehow turns commenters racist. I swear, the video could be "how to make peanut butter cookies" and it's just a lady that looks like she could be my grandmother making cookies....and I scroll down and read "SHUT THE FUCK UP BITCH!!! ASIANS DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO SHIT BUT BE IN PORNS AND BUILD RAILROADS! PWNED! LULZ!!!!".

Even when they aren't racist, they are fucked in the head. I just read a 38 post youtube comment article on a damned Chris Daughtry video where someone threatened to "face fuck your soul BITCH" and even that thread of comments wasn't absent of a sort of racism as someone just posted "Chris 4Life [n word....with a at the end]" and that's it.

certified gangster

Just for example, i'm going to liveblog this right i'm typing. There was a story out of England where a Ray Gosling, a broadcaster for the BBC, just admitted on camera(for no reason other than to come clean to the surprise of the BBC) that he performed a mercy killing(via pillow suffocation) on his lover several years ago because he was dying of aids. It's definitely a touchy story and very sensitive. I haven't seen it on youtube yet....just on other sites. So i'm going to look it up on youtube and take the 5 most fucked up comments I can find and post them. And the winners(if you could fucking call them that) no particular order:

5. racistgayclown(bonus points for name) says: "We all no he was a homo and he was living with a man dying of cancer and at the same time shagging rent boys up the ass... no big deal for someone like that anyway, thats the kind of thing you do when your partner is dying of cancer, you have sex with someone with aids... and you think im stupid...... Holy fuckin jesus uphill gardener crap....Get back under your fuckin rock you crackpot"

4. Tabula123456 says: " don't believe you...i think ur a lying bastard...first off ur a 53yo man sitting in YT posts calling homos names...ur mot likely alone and sucking cock on the side...and if it is true then i believe ur wife is severely sexually repressed because you spend all ur time fucking ur children...I hope ur grandchild is ok..i don't imagine, for one second, he or she is safe with a person like you... "

3. ronin2469 says "I'm just asking questions, plug your ears and cover your eyes, the gay community should be outraged at gay Ray for his hate crime against a gay, is it that he's gay so it's ok, or if he was staight that makes it murder? This is like when blacks say it's ok for them to use the n word"

2. Hobo59 says: "Spoken like the ignoramus you prove yourself to be. Nope you can't find a conservative Homosexual since the ideologies and terms are mutually exclusive. By the way if you want supporting evidence, all you need to do is post some for your statements first ! lol Dumb homosexual cock lover !"

1. I'm going to MrMadBastard and just posting several one liners he also said'll see:

"u silly fucking dirty inbred shite eating nonce fuck, u clearly ARE gay as is obvious to the entire human race. don't u realise what an abomination against christ your rancid cocksucking faggot ways are? u really need to repent now and beg that u be spared from an eternity of beelzebub's red hot phallus of justice in the pit of hades, u fucking demented shite eating cunt. u make fucking sick beyone all comprehension. u silly fuck, why don't u go read the bible sometime before it is too late! an eternity in the blazing fires of hades awaits you if continue with your perverted shitstabbing ways. Never underestimate the depravity of a bumhole engineer"

Not a lot of pictures and witty one liner opportunities in the text above....not unless someone wants me to quip about goatse(DONT GOOGLE!!!) or something.

So yeah....are there really enough good youtube comments to justify the fucked up ones? I gotta think no. Even those that aren't offensive are still just some 19 year old saying how he relates to Rob Thomas because his girlfriend broke up with him.

2. Dumb ass videos I have to watch

I'm, unfortunately, a pretty nice guy. I'd have been better off if I was a dickbag. I'd have pulled more pussy, i'd have more career success and i'd probably be a fan of hair gel and ed hardy(not you Angie...talking about guys)

hair gel and dickbags certainly aren't mutually exclusive

Being a nice guy has messed me up in several areas of life(we'll get back to that in a minute). I'm also an internet master...especially youtube. I described my youtube prowess to a coworker like this:

"Look....I don't want to watch any piddly ass youtube videos. I'm on a different plain than other people when it comes to youtube. I don't want to see some corny motherfucker doing 20 years of dance moves or some fat future diabetic twirling his lightsaber. I'm past all that shit. Normal youtube humor does nothing for me. I'm a youtube deviant. If everyone else is having youtube missionary sex....i'm like having to youtube jerk off while someone steps on a cockroach and shits on a glass coffee table while I watch from under. So you have to at least youtube pee on me for me to even chuckle. Dig?"

They didn't really dig....but it got me out of whatever they were about to show me. Anyway, that was to one of my REALLY good work friends. I can't say shit like that to everyone....and they take advantage. I'm stuck watching shitty foreign beer commercials that they think are funny or motocross crashes or some shit I watched 5 years ago. It's not good

So, isn't there some kind of youtube committee we could form and get some of the shitty videos off? I'll head the damned thing.

While i'm on this side tangent: Don't fucking recommend videos for me to watch, because it's always recommending I watch some shit that's related to something I was youtube raped into watching. It's never "Always Sunny.." clips or "Mad cause i'm stylin on you" compilations....and it's only ever ass shaking videos when my wife is around. It's always Glenn Beck calling Whoppee Goldberg a cunt or something because someone made me watch a scene of "Sister Act". I don't need that shit.

Glad we got that resolved youtube.



  1. Fuck Clowny Clown Clown!

  2. Haha, I have a feeling anonymous is Tina

  3. Still as fucked up as ever nic, makes me miss working at the PD