Couple of issues I wanna tackle. One of the main reason my blog has probably doubled in readers is because of facebook. I guess this makes my post entirely dedicated to bitching about facebook dated. Whatever. I don't care. I'll use facebook to whore out my endeavors and myspace to record shitty versions of songs because I have a cheap microphone. With this expansion has come questions or concerns about how to leave comments on here(which I prefer but will take them wherever you stick them....pause). I recognize that it's kind of a pain in the ass, but all you really have to do though is go to the "Name/URL" in the drop down box and enter your name and then just put your blog, facebook or myspace home page address as the URL. Hell, you can put a porn site as your URL for all I care(please....no child or beastiality porn. That means you Tim Chandler).
that guy from the sandlot loves the horse porn
All it does is make your name a hyperlink to whatever site you put.
Cool. 2nd: I'm a mad man. I have a lot of different sides. Some people who have found this site have been a bit surprised at what or how I write. I'm kinda breaking the 5th wall here. Since i'm not a celebrity and the only people who would or should care enough to come here are friends of mine who think I have something to offer...that means you all know, at least a little, how I am. You know i'm a good guy. I'm not crude for the sake of being crude. While writing this though, i'm a character and i'm completely honest about even the most depraved thoughts that we all have. I tap into the fact that I think we're all pretty much the same person with slight variations. So yeah...when I make a dick joke, it's only because you were thinking it first.
3rd: So, i've got a few stories in the chamber. They are "evergreen" meaning I can break them out at any time and they'll still be funny and they won't be dated because they are in the past anyway. However, I don't want to just blow through all my stories. I want to do rants, lists, etc. Here's what i'd like from you guys: If there is something you'd like me to rant about or have a question for me(i'll answer it no matter how embarrassing) or anything like that....just post it and I WILL make a post out of it. We can even swaggerjack the idea from Adam Carolla where he does "What can't Adam complain about" i'll do "What can't Nic rant about".
Ok. You've put up with my semi-serious moving forward bullshit for long enough. Now onward and....probably laterally. Since I had to spend a bit of time writing this and thinking it up, i'm just gonna go random for a little bit and then post something from my old blog for the memories. Thanks for everything guys. I love you all!!! Some more than others. Some of you make my pants tight. I feel i've gone too far.
Anyway. Random. Let me put my thoughts inside you.
Quote of the day 1: "Yeah....Bruce is ok if you like listening about how it's tough to be a middle class white guy dealing with Reagan era voodoo economics, but what'd that get him? His fans are a bunch of fat 40 year old white guys. All his fans are basically Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force. See, John was smart. He learned. He said "fuck that, i'm gonna sing about getting pussy" and now he spends every night banging each state's age of consent. He's in Idaho thursday and you can damn well be sure he'll be shacking up with a 14 year old at a Boise Double Tree....uh....or something"
-Me arguing John Mayer vs Bruce Springsteen with Joe. Few creative liberties taken with the retelling
Question of the day: "Did you ever try any of your wife's breast milk while she was pregnant?"
-Nathan's friend Katie
A: Yes....but not on purpose. For those that are curious(and really, how could you not be) it doesn't really taste like anything. It's like room temperature water...or maybe room temp coconut juice REALLY diluted with water. In a related funny story, a comedian named Dino Stamotopoulos was going to be a writer on whatever shitty show du jour Courtney Cox was crapping out after "Friends" and David Arquette(her husband) apparently took a liking to his edgy style(he's pretty fucked up all the time) and invited him back for drinks. David asked Dino what kind of beer he wanted and joked "or you can have a bottle of my wife's breast milk" and Dino took it and chugged it. He later remarked "I didn't know something so sweet could come out of someone so bitter" and didn't get the writing job.
Confidence booster of the day: I watched "The Hangover". That movie is a piece of shit. My confidence is boosted because I now know I could write a movie better than everyone's favorite comedy of last year.
The Nic-tionary: I'm gonna explain a few words I use from time to time for future reference.
"Pause": A nicer way of saying "no homo" and the less used "no bruno". It's a northeastern hip hop thing.
"Horse potato": Just an exclamatory word. Jacob said it in the middle of church one day and they asked him what he was talking about and he said "I just said it so I wouldn't say 'fuckshit'". It's kinda stuck.
"Slab": Nonstop comedy. When I was in highschool, half the football team called their...uh....members "slab" as in slab of meat. Like a year later, people in Houston, TX started calling their cars "slab". The confusion in songs has been awesome. Super masculine guys talking about riding on a slab and putting rims on their slab etc.
"Swaggerjack": Steal. In particular, to steal someone's swag or swagger....but really to steal anyones creative idea.
And now to go old school. This was one of my favorite if not my favorite post from the old blog "Inside Trout". It's about my old fear of the steak man at Ryan's and Barnhill's and was set up like an advice column when I asked ex DC Joe Kines for advice.
Dear Joe,
I'm a 20 something in Northeast Mississippi and I have a problem that I need help with. You see, almost everyone in my family is fairly large....myself included. In fact....my older brother and I almost died on a water ride called the "Backsplash" in Philadelphia, MS because we ignored the "400 lb weight limit" knowing good and damned well that we exceeded that total by a combined weight of 200 pounds. Luckily, the stoner 16 year old working the ride saved us from ourselves and made us go separately. But that has little to do with my problem. In fact....most of America is catching up with us or passing us....so we're all good on that front. No, no....my problem has to do with the fact that my family loves to go to all you can eat buffets.....and I.....well........I'm scared of the steak man/woman.
Don't judge me damnit!
I know it's weird....but people have weird phobias. Some people are scared of clowns. Some people are scared of pickles. Some people are scared of clowns with pickles. Some people are scared of Crispin Glover doing a song about clowns and pickles.
I'm scared of the steak man.....or rather....the interaction with the steak man. Call it bovis-homosapious phobia. It's like....I know I want steak or smoked sausage or whatever he is pushing today. He knows I want it the way I'm eyeing it. I just can't bring myself to ask him because I feel like it goes like this:
(individual thoughts in parentheses)
Me: Um....let me get a cut of steak and maybe some smoked sausage as well.
( God, this guys hat is intimidating and he also has a knife. He probably thinks I'm fat )
Steak guy: {.....Cuts meat and looks mean. Says something that no one could possibly understand}
Me: {.....Thinks about making small talk before realizing that I hate small talk and wouldn't dare talk about the weather or something so trivial.}
Steak guy: {.....cuts the smallest possible slab of meat and puts it on the plate}
That enough?
( Hell naw that ain't enough,this big ass dude is gonna want more... haha. Look at him,he wants more of it... haha.... Fat som' bitch )
Me: Um......yeah.......thanks.
(damn,this is a small ass piece of meat. maybe I'll grab half a roll and make a sandwich. )
It irritates the hell out of me Coach Kines. Why would they make this the one section that I can't self serve(along with drinks....which I don't seem to have a problem asking for) Help Coach!
Thanks,
Chubby....but well hung(photoshop available on demand for proof) in Columbus
CHUBBY,
FIRST OF ALL, WHY DO ALL THESE DAMNED QUESTIONS COME OUT OF NORTHEAST MISSISSIPPI? CRAZY ASS PEOPLE. MAKE DELIVERANCE, GEORGIA SEEM NORMAL. NOW, FOR YOUR QUESTION. AIN'T NOTHIN WRONG WITH BEING BIG. REMEMBER THAT GAME....OKIE STATE....COULDN'T STOP THAT OL INSIDE TROUT. WHAT DID I DO? I THREW IT TO ANDRE SMITH'S HUGE ASS AND LET HIM EARTHQUAKE IT IN FOR 6 POINTS. SHIT BOY, FAT BOTTOMED GIRLS MAKE THE ROCKIN WORLD GO ROUND. SAY,YOU TAKE SOMEONE HOME FROM A BAR AND CAN'T FIND YOUR ELECTRIC TOOTHBRUSH IN THE MORNING....BUT AT LEAST YOU DON'T HAVE THE CLAP. THATS CALLED COMPROMISE AND TRADE OFF. OUR FOUNDING FATHERS DID IT...SO DID DANIEL BOONE. NO TIME TO STOP. YOU CAN BUY A NEW TOOTHBRUSH BUT YOU CAN'T BUY A NEW REPUTATION AND DOWNSTAIRS HAIRY BEANBAG. NOW GET OUT THERE AND GET SOME STEAK....MAYBE A FIFTH OF SCOTCH. GO HARD OR GO HOME SON.
SINCERELY,
COACH KINES
(Quick update and edit: I'm not really scared of the steak man anymore. Not sure when it happened, but I don't have that irrational fear. Laura did have a funny interaction with the steak lady at Ryan's the other day though. She asked to have it cooked "with no pink" and the lady cuts it open and Laura says "is there any pink?" and the lady says very hastily and pissy "you're looking at it maam". Thats the kind of shit i'm talking about....but it made me laugh.)
wow! the whole breast milk thing is very disturbing. why the hell do you keep bringing up clowny clown clown. ugggggggggggg
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