The drive to Mulholland Drive

I remember it like it was yesterday (smoke fills the room). It was around April of2005 and I was bored as shit. I had graduated school a year earlier and said "fuck that getting a job thing". I didn't have a girlfriend and all my friends were either still in highschool, off to college or working. I spent my days playing video games and wallowing in self loathing....occasionally chasing skirts who were wrong for me for all the wrong reasons. My hair was WAY too fucking long, I had no purpose, I was driving around a truck that didn't belong to me and sleeping on a mattress in the floor.


Nic around this time


I had NO clue what I wanted to do in life. In a lot of ways, I still don't...but it was MUCH worse then. Also, because i'd started school early, I was a fairly new driver by the time I graduated and I didn't know where SHIT in Columbus was(constant source of humor for my friends is that I have no sense of direction. Even true to this day as i've worked in Starkville for 4 years and can't find a damned thing in this town). So one fateful day while holed up in my room, I was watching some shitty VH1 programming.....one of those "top 50 hottest women" things. On the screen comes Naomi Watts and they referenced her "steamy lesbian scene in 'Mulholland Drive'"




...................................


So i'm on my way to the video store to pick up 'Mulholland Drive'. Ok, pause. You may be asking yourself: "Wait, this is 2005. Internet porn was readily available and he could've just picked up regular ass porn if he was going to a video store. Besides, why didn't he just google that one scene and watch it?" Good question loyal reader. The answer that is this


1.-I had dial up internet connection. I'd rather beat off with a brillo pad than wait 5 hours for Naomi Watts to bump pussies with whatever the other bitch's name is(Laura Elena Harring....and they didn't bump pussies....I don't think) while hoping to God my mom doesn't pick up the phone to try and call Brenda(my aunt and next door neighbor) to find out if they're playing Rook tonight INSTEAD OF JUST WALKING THE FUCK OVER THERE!!!!!


more important to my mom than my masturbatory habits

2.-Remember when I said I was scared of the "steak man" at buffet places? You really think I was absent of that fear about porn? It was WAY worse. I couldn't walk in porn places, couldn't rent porn, couldn't borrow porn....nothing. You're basically announcing to the people "yeah....nice to meet you....i'm gonna go jack it for a while". Nevermind the genuine disgust I would have in renting porn. How many jizz covered hands have touched that tape? Fantasyland is just as bad because, as a male, you have a couple of choices: You could A) Go in by yourself and then you're the creepy dude in fantasyland by yourself. These guys are always wearing a hat and a northface jacket and in the upstairs porn part. B) Go in with a girlfriend/wife. I didn't have one at the time and it's ALWAYS a bad idea anyway. You end up looking at something a bit too long and then looking over to see a very pissed off female looking back at you. On the bright side, you now have enough fodder to get you through the night. C) Go in with your friends. This is always interesting. Someone always ends up getting slapped with a dildo or benoit balls and you get borderline kicked the fuck out before you can buy porn. Plus, all your friends know what porn you have and may want to borrow it. That's a big no.


3.-I was somewhat interested in the movie. I love movies....especially psychological thrillers I can be snobby about. I loved "Vanilla Sky" but more than just loving the movie, I loved that I "got it" while other people left saying "what the fuck was that". I mean, just read the synopsis:

"After a car wreck on the winding Mulholland Drive renders a woman amnesic, she and a perky Hollywood-hopeful search for clues and answers across Los Angeles in a twisting venture beyond dreams and reality."

Sounds promising....which is bullshit. That's why I should be hired to write HONEST synopsis for the back of all movies. Like, the MPAA hires me to write a true outline of the movie and the movie HAS to put it on the box like a rating....to warn people against watching shitty movies. It would help save the industry. More on this later**



So, I get in my dad's red dodge ram and get on the bypass. The wrong bypass. I don't know where the fuck I am but I know i'm not going in the right direction. I now know that I was heading for Tuscaloosa. I passed the New Hope area exit before I build up the courage to turn around in the middle grassy area. I picked a poor spot to do it and nearly got stuck(which is a prelude to another story i'll tell one day....about getting stuck in a ditch on 4th of July....a mere 3 months later). I turned around and realized I was going the right way now. Went to Hollywood video and did 4 laps around the store....acting like I was browsing when I knew what I was there for. I get Mulholland Drive and Punch Drunk Love. The guy feverishly tried to talk me out of Punch Drunk Love and I said "meh....it's Sandler. It can't be awful"(which was just one of the many times I was wrong that day.)



So I go home and pop in the movie. It takes me about 15 minutes to realize this is going to be one of those fucked up, unable to track, Hollywood sucking it's own dick movies. Every couple of years, Hollywood makes a movie where it sucks its own dick.


The dick is the "Y".....or the "WOOD". You decide which is more funny

It goes like this: Some fucked up writer/director will make a movie "for him...from his heart". He'll get Dustin Hoffman on board and then Kathy Bates, Thomas Hayden Church and Charlize Theron. He'll write some nonsensical shit like Dustin Hoffman plays a hack writer/director making a shit movie that no one cares about. It doesn't have and interesting plot. It ends up playing out like a regular ass person's regular ass day....only if you took any semblance of cool shit out. They call it artsy and it ends up getting praised by critics for its cinematography or unique characters....but it actually only gets praised because Hollywood makes people feel like they HAVE to understand this movie or they just "dont get it" and are too stupid to follow. So a bunch of people just pretend like they like the shit(shining examples: I Heart Huckabees. About Schmidt. Punch Drunk Love).



Anyway, the whole movie is fucked up. It doesn't track. Bunch of random things happening in no particular order. Wigs. I've got my dick in my hand(pause) in anticipation because i've given up on the movie making sense. I think it's a bad formula anyway. I can count at least 5 movies that I thought were awful because I watched the movie for the wrong reasons(tits). Tomb Raider(no tits), Mulholland Drive(lez scene not worth the trouble....but not bad), Wicker Park(I don't even know what happened in this movie. I fast forwarded a lot....for nothing), Basic Instinct 2(I was desperate) and Wild Things(son of bitch....side tangent coming)

sigh. Fucking Wild Things. I was in Wal-Mart with Nicky "motherfuckin" Shelton and Tyler Marsh around 2005. Same circumstances(no gf, no porn, etc). I see Wild Things on the shelf and had heard that there was a 4 way with Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, Matt Dillon and Matt Dillon's big ass forehead. Color me interested. Plot line didn't sound horrible and it was only 7 bucks. As soon as I picked it up though, Tyler starts teasing me about having carpal tunnel in a week. I know that this is all the movie is known for, so buying it would be like buying all the awkwardness of buying porn at Wal-Mart but none of the facials

(Spoiler alert....no bukkake in Wild Things)


So I got Nicky to buy it, except he was only 16 and Wal-Mart is full of Nazis and carded him....so I ended up buying it anyway....but I got to play it off like "Fine Nicky....i'll buy your borderline smut for you. You goddamned pervert"



The Quaker Oats man is watching you while you touch yourself


So I watched it and the scene happened(definitely nothing to complain about in the scene except it could have gone longer....like....the entire movie) and I was somewhat into it. At some point that movie just went insane though. It becomes impossible to track and I see Kevin Bacon's slab(his dick....not his car, though i've seen cars smaller than his dong. Pause.) Horrible movie. Anyways, the lesson is don't watch a whole movie for wanking purposes. You'll only be disappointed.


**That's going to be one of my new things. I'm going to do movie reviews but tell the truth. Like, if I was hired to write the back of "Mulholland Drive" 's box, it would say:

"Fucking pretentious. David Lynch is an asshole. Decent enough lez scene but you better be quick or this movie will fuck up your boner with creepy shit that Lynch came up with while on brown acid. The fact that this movie was made makes the idea of free will seem like a terrible idea."



So yeah....I guess I give it a thumbs down